How should I ask for an engagement ring upgrade (+back story)?
I got married this summer to the man of my dreams, but I will not get into details about that now.
He has a good education, a decent income and is doing financially good. He’s not rich, but well off for his age. I am currently studying and work part time. When I am finished with my degree, I will also receive a high salary.
Our parents split the cost of our wedding and my parents paid for the honeymoon (as a wedding gift).
For our engagement a year ago, he gave me an anonymous 0.15 ct solitaire white gold engagement ring. He told me that he spent an entire afternoon looking for a ring that was slim and without prominent prongs, so that it would suit my slender figure. But my hands are average with average fingers and rounded nails, so the thin ring is not flattering. It is nothing like my style/personality – I like things to be “different” and noticeable. We have the same sense of style, so I actually find it a bit weird that he wound up buying this ring. I would prefer a non diamond ring at the same price over this, but it’s a bit late for that now.
Also, it bothers me that it was such a small sacrifice for him. Yes, he spent an entire afternoon going through four or five different stores (together with his mom whom I suspect has something to do with what he wound up buying, though I could never say that to his face). I usually spend weeks researching and looking for every Christmas and birthday gift I get him. The ring cost about 1/4 of his monthly salary, and he could easily pay for it with his everyday debit card (not digging into his savings account).
It looks better on my hand now that I also have a wedding band (plain white gold band with one .10 ct diamond and the possibility to add more diamonds), but with the diamonds being almost the same size, the engagement ring is even more anonymous.
He has much less reluctance for self splurge: Since we got married, he has bought himself two expensive watches. One costing $1500 and $7000. I of course let him, even though we are married it is mostly his hard earned money. Watching him pay for it, and watching how happy and proud these items make him has made me think about the ring again. Earlier in our relationship he has bought himself another two $1000 watches, and a $1000 coat. Come to think of it, for Christmas and birthdays, I will always (unintentionally) match whatever he spends (we usually wind up spending around $300-$400 each). We both like to shop, and in general as he has a better income he buys himself more expensive stuff than I do. The most expensive things I have bought over the years we have been together, are gifts for him. I am just writing this to underline that we are equally materialistic. He’s more of a show off than me, and when it comes to gifts, compared to what he buys for himself, I feel like his 2. priority.
The thing is, I would like to buy a new stone for my engagement ring – nothing huge, but .35-.45., so it will suit my hand better and differ more from the wedding band. I will keep the setting. I would also like to keep the old stone to later mount it to my wedding band, if possible (if not, I’ll mount it to something else later). I would gladly pay for the upgrade myself, but I doubt he knowingly would allow that, as it is supposed to be a gift from him. I soon have to turn the ring in for resizing (it’s always been too big) and a polish, so I could just “secretly” do the upgrade then, but he would definitely notice eventually, and I can’t think of any good excuses to say in such a situation.
I find the ring change hard to bring up. This is such a touchy subject… I don’t think saying anything about the stuff that really bothers me would make the situation any better. I just hope that one day he’ll surprise me with something elaborate and unexpected, which he put a lot of effort in (not necessarily money wise).
I am sure he will feel a little hurt when I say that I want to change the ring. But if I had bought him a watch he didn’t like, he would not wear it in public. I would get over it, and prompt him to sell it so he could buy a watch he really liked. A couple of years ago I bought him a pair of shoes that I liked as a surprise gift, and they have never been worn. I would like to say to him “Imagine if I bought you a watch you didn’t like and you had to wear it every day for the rest of your life.” but it’s too harsh.
Any suggestions on how to go about this?
Inb4 “it’s not about the ring, it’s about the commitment” – yes, we are committed, but I still have to wear a ring I don’t like, and even flaunt it to everyone who asks. If a girl bought a pink motorcycle for her macho boyfriend, no one would react to him wanting to exchange/upgrade it. If the ring I got was the best he could afford I would wear it proudly till the day I die, even though it doesn’t suit me.
PS: I had a hard time cat
I somehow managed to cut the last sentence, it’s supposed to read:
“PS: I had a hard time categorizing the question, it’s about marriage and NOT about divorce”
When I had to choose my engagement ring I found it difficult to find something unique and individual, this is why I becan to consider Antique engagement rings. The problem is that I found many high street jewellers stocked similar rings based on what was fashionable, this wasnt necessarily what I wanted. I wanted to make my choice unique and special my bride had not expressed a preference of the style of ring, which left the door open for me to be imaginative.
